


Private

by lesbianmxgicians (kaianieves)



Category: The Magicians (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Not Canon Compliant, Secret Relationship, The Magicians Femslash Week
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-23
Updated: 2019-02-26
Packaged: 2019-11-04 05:11:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17892122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaianieves/pseuds/lesbianmxgicians
Summary: Julia and Alice are very private people, by nature or circumstance doesn't really matter. So obviously, their relationship is personal, too. Secret is a more accurate description. And that's the way they like it. Until one day, Julia is hurt. That's when everything changes.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> For the Magicians Femslash February event! This is my first time writing for this fandom (and this ship), so this is exciting! I hope this is alright, xx.

Alice Quinn has always been a very personal person. She doesn't like sharing. Not about herself or her life, she doesn't like sharing control. If she didn't hold every single piece of information, every card in the deck, that made her vulnerable. Vulnerable was never good; it made you weak. It got you dead.

The things that have happened to Julia Wicker made her a very personal person. She holds everything, deep down inside. Kind of like her own brand of emotion bottle, but less effective. There are spills. Those spills terrify Julia. They mess with her head, make it more likely for her to fuck up the job, whatever that may be.

Alice is very good a cleaning up spills, and Julia has been taught by the best on how to play cards. Except, she plays a little differently. She's gentler, less competitive. Card tricks are more about learning than entertaining. And with Alice, it isn't about dumping out whatever spilled out when it was all cleaned up. Everything is useful and important. Having an overabundance of it was just even more evidence of that.

Julia is good for Alice, and Alice is good for Julia. They wake up together in Alice's bed, arms and legs tangled together. Julia's yawn is Alice's new favourite thing; she wiggles her nose at the end of it. It's absolutely adorable. But every morning, when Alice comes back from her shower, she finds Julia gone. Sometimes there is a note; there was the first morning. Julia letting Alice know she had to run, even though it was the crack of dawn on Eliot's terms. No one would be up for a long while. Alice figures it is better this way. No one needed to know. It's not like she  _wants_ people to know, anyway.

Until one day it's not an option.

There's a student at Brakebills with an extreme hatred for hedge witches. Apparently Julia has built up a bit of an illusive reputation, as "flaccid Harry Potter's ex-hedge witch friend that visits when they were doing world-ending bullshit." That's fair, to be honest. What isn't fair, is that this student attacked her. Battle magic; some severe stuff, too. Kady has only ever read about that type of power before.

No one calls Alice, because no one particularly thought to. Why would she care? And it shouldn't, because it's only logic, but it enrages her further. When she arrives at the Brakebills medical ward, she's ready to cut off someone's fingers.

Alice pushes through the doors, entering the waiting room. She spots Quentin, head down and pacing.

"Where is she?" Alice asks hastily.

When Quentin looks up, he seems a bit shocked to see her here. "Hey, Alice. Yeah- Jules, she isn't... doing too well." There's a strain in his voice, and his eyes are watering a little. It isn't good. It's most likely very, very bad. Something claws at Alice's insides the longer she stands here, not knowing where Julia is.

 _"Where is she,_ Quentin?" Alice asks, firmer this time. Quentin's eyes go glassy for a moment, probably thinking about her. His hands start to shake ever so slightly. "Quentin," Alice says again. He looks up at her, then glances at a door down the hall.

"Look, I don't think it's a good idea-" he starts, but Alice doesn't wait for his suggestion. She has to see her. She has to see Julia, before it's too late.

No one stops her from going into the room. Looking through the small glass window on the door, Alice sees the side of Julia's face as she lays in a hospital bed. The door opens quietly, clicking shut behind her. Alice approaches the bed slowly. The curtains that are usually always open when any of them visit are now drawn closed, the stench of sterilizer accompanying the silence. Alice can't see any injuries physically, which relieves her. Something tells her that the magician wouldn't have gone for physical if he wanted to do true damage, because that's not what she would do. Alice would go for the mind, where everything is; your knowledge, your memories. Your magic. The panic comes back again, stronger.

Alice drags a chair up to the side of Julia's bed, holding onto her hand. There are several magic devices all along Julia's body. Some sort of patch on her neck, and a compression device Alice knows is used for deep and often fatal cuts is around Julia's waist, peeking out from under the thin covers. Alice lightly squeezes Julia's hand. It's cold; not deathly cold, because Julia's hands have always been oddly colder than normal. When Alice asked about it, Julia had no explanation. She then went on to tell her about how in high school, her fingernails used to randomly turn blue in the middle of class.

Alice tries to think of a spell, any spell that might make this better. She doesn't exactly know what's wrong, just that there's  _something._ The clawing at her insides builds along with frustration. Eventually Alice can't hold it back anymore, a tear slipping down her cheek. She doesn't like crying. Crying shows weakness, and Alice doesn't get to be  _that._ She never has. She especially can't be that right now, with Julia hurt and potentially gone. That last thought makes Alice want to scream.

It's in this moment that Alice realizes that she needs Julia. Not just because she's her card holder and Alice is her spill mopper, or any silly analogy of the sort. But because Alice  _loves_ her. So, so much. More than she could ever love anyone or anything else, even magic. She loves her nose wiggle and her cold hands and her smile and her voice. Alice can't let that die. She can't let Julia die.

The door to the hospital room opens. Alice looks up, not thinking to let go of Julia's hand fast enough. It's Quentin, behind him Kady. The way Quentin glances at Alice, then at Julia's unconscious form, and their hands together- he knows. He may not be Julia, but he's not stupid. Kady looks like she's having a bit more of a tough time processing what's going on, but it doesn't take her too long.

She's the one who also asks the question, establishing her understanding of the situation. "Can we come in?" It establishes that there is a privacy here, between Alice and Julia, that they don't have. That supersedes theirs in a way. It's not specific, no, but it's heavy and emotionally charged. They want to be respectful.

Alice sniffles. "Uh- yeah. Yeah come in." She lets go of Julia's hand, pushing her chair back with her legs. It's against the wall now, along with the other visitor chairs. Quentin sits cautiously on the edge of the hospital bed and Kady leans against a wall inside the room. There's an uncomfortable silence as everyone looks at Julia.

"I'm sorry," Quentin eventually mumbles. No one needs to ask, all three of them know it's directed to Alice. Even though it's not Quentin's fault, there's still that feeling, that  _need_ to apologize to those suffering. After all, he knows how Alice is feeling to a certain extent. But just like her, and just like Kady, he doesn't know how to fix it.

None of them do. They don't even know if it  _is_ fixable. They'll have to wait and see.

Quentin's words bounce around in Alice's brain as the clawing feeling inside of her grows. It starts to feel like she's being eaten alive.


	2. Chapter 2

Alice stirs when someone shakes her shoulder lightly. She's fallen asleep with her glasses on again, so for the first few moments of her eyes being open, Alice's vision is warped and blurry. After blinking a few times, she sees Kady standing in front of her.

Reactively, Alice sits up straighter. Just past Kady, she spots Quentin and... Dean Fogg, of all people. They're talking quietly about something.

"What's going on?" Alice asks. She's been staying in the medical ward for weeks now; refused to go back to the cottage to even change clothes, forget a proper sleep. Alice has been sleeping in that same visitor chair she first sat on when she arrived.

It was a week after that that the staff determined it was likely she wouldn't wake up. Not without magical intervention, which would potentially change who Julia was as a person. Brakebills was steadfast against it.

"Dean Fogg thinks they've found another way to help her," Kady explains. Alice stands to attention at that. She takes a breath in from her mouth. It feels dirty, like she just swallowed dust bunnies.

"You can help her?" she asks. Dean Fogg turns around, his glasses catching in the sun that peaks through the curtained window.

"It's not a fix-all, Alice. And this is highly unrecommended, the results are unpredictable." Even though the Dean can't see her, he can still sense that Alice is waiting for him to continue. "We could remove her shade, and this would- _potentially-_ help Julia wake up."

"No!" Kady says blatantly. "We're not fucking around with shade shit, alright? Julia isn't a test tube."

Alice turns to her. That damp anger has grown over the last few weeks; at herself for not being able to help Julia, at the magician who attacked her, at Brakebills for not helping her. Now she's unleashing it on Kady.

"So you just want her to stay like this? In a coma? Her brain rotting away as we leave her here and- what? Forget about her?" Alice's voice is teetering on shrill rage.

"Ladies," Dean Fogg interrupts. "Please keep your voices down."

Alice looks at Quentin, who's standing behind the Dean like a sullen shadow. "Quentin, please," she pleads.

"I-I don't know," he says. "I want her back as much as you do, Alice. But... we don't know what could happen- _if_ she'll even wake up."

"Well, Quentin's the only one with the authority to make the decision, with Miss Wicker unconscious and unable to make medical decisions for herself." Kady and Alice both glance at him at the same time. Dean Fogg looks at his watch and clears his throat. "If you'll excuse me," he says, ambling towards the door. Right before he leaves, he turns around again.

"I'm sorry for your loss." To Alice, it feels like he's staring her right in the eyes as he says it. Impossible, selfish and narcissistic of her to think, she knows. Without another word, the Dean leaves. Kady and Alice go back to their places, in the chair and against the wall. Quentin scrubs his hand across his face.

 

It's another two days, and Quentin still hasn't made a decision. Alice finally goes back to the cottage. Margo fusses over her the entire time, in her own way of course; she and Eliot responsibly drown Alice in vodka.

She has a shower, brushes her teeth. Ducking her head down, Alice spits in the sink. When she looks back up, the mirror is inches away. She looks tired. Really tired. Paler than Julia when she got the stomach flu from some bad pizza. That entire weekend Alice stayed with her at her apartment. It was a nightmare of puke and three AM television. In hindsight, Alice doesn't mind it too much. It's a memory she's kind of fond of. Mostly the spoon feeding Julia medicine, and then watching her face morph into pure disgust at the taste. Alice remembers laughing at her. "Well, magic can't fix everything," she had said.

It's one of those moments of a private relationship that are extra personal. You can't tell a soul, as it would ruin it. Alice doesn't realize she's got the sides of the porcelain sink in a death grip, or that there are tears falling down under her eye bags. Magic can't fix everything, but it can fix this. She's not thinking about the consequences right now. Alice is just thinking about Julia.

 

When she enters Julia's hospital room again, it's almost empty. Almost. Kady isn't here, but Quentin is, slumped in Alice's chair against the wall. She clears her throat, rousing him from sleep.

"Oh, hey- hi. I was just, um. Keeping your seat warm," he says awkwardly. Quentin stands, and him and Alice are at eye level.

"Q, we need to talk," she says.

There's some explanation, back and forth between the two of them; Quentin's uncertainty, that this is a decision simply backed by fear. Alice's determination, her  _need_ to have Julia back. That this might be the only way.

"Quentin,  _please._ I-I need her. I love her. I can't do this without her," Alice says. "If there's a way, in magic, to save her... then please. I need you to take it."

At the utterly lost look in Alice's eyes at the prospect of life without Julia, Quentin breaks. Because he has been there too. He knows how that feels, he's been trying to push down that feeling ever since this all started. But he can't anymore. It's not just about him.

Brakebills' declared "shade specialist" arrives the next day. When Dean Fogg enters with her, Quentin, Alice and Kady all stand up. Kady is here too, because even if she doesn't approve, Julia is still her friend. The woman looks like a normal old lady; curved spine, wrinkly skin. The only thing that could be deemed out of the ordinary is her eye. It looks to be made of glass, with a shimmery orange sclera.

The magician leans over Julia, feeling her chest. She looks back at Dean Fogg. "It's here," she says in a low voice.

He sighs, turning to Quentin. "You're sure about this?" he asks. Quentin nods. Dean Fogg faces the shade magician's direction again, nodding.

Her hand begins to glow before disappearing in Julia's upper chest cavity. Alice and Kady gasp. Quentin immediately looks like he's about to vomit. The woman seems to fish around for something before finally grabbing it. She removes her hand from Julia, coming up with a bright glowing orb.

A cart is timely wheeled into the room. On it is a heavy looking chest with many locks, too many for how small it is. The nurse opens it, outstretching the chest to the woman. She places the orb inside, and the nurse locks it. There's a final, solid sound from it. Then the nurse carefully hands it to Dean Fogg.

He nods to the shade magician. "Thank you, Mrs. Duke," he says. She nods curtly, quickly leaving the room. Then the Dean turns to the three of them. "This is Julia's shade. Now, usually we have some sort of protocol as to handling magical items that pertain to the self but- in this case, since no one at Brakebills has ever had their shade removed legally, there is none." He hands the locked chest to Quentin. "I don't know whether to consider you the luckiest or most foolish man I've ever met." It's not a hostile statement from the Dean, just an observation. Alice might have even laughed, under different circumstances.

Quentin looks down at the chest, thinking. He holds it out to Alice. "What are you doing?" she asks.

"I shouldn't have this," he says quietly.

"Q, you've known her your entire life. She's your best friend-"

"And you're not," he says, cutting her off. Quentin doesn't say it out loud, in respect for Alice and Julia, but she understands what he's saying. Slowly, Alice takes the locked chest from his hand.

She pets it, holding it close to her chest. "Thank you, Quentin," she barely gets out.


End file.
